[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
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Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.