A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Meat Cute
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK