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It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Who called it baking and not making love
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.