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Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato