You Might Also Like
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.