I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
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Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.