My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
yes… yes…
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Geez man, take it easy.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?