People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
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Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My blood type is b hungry.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
peak technology
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?