I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
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I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
We need to put an American base on the sun
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂