If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
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Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.