My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
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I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Free him
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
greetings!
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.