Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
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If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.