A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
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Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here