Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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The horror. The apostrophe’s.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013