meow
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”