Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really