*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
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Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
there has never been a better use of this meme
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
The news is so predictable nowadays
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.