Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
You Might Also Like
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there鈥檚 a monster in her bed and I just can鈥檛 wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh馃ぃ 馃ぃ
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it鈥檚 called a popsicle
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That鈥檚 pr–*thump*
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we鈥檙e both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend