[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
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Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I can’t stop laughing at this
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.