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When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
they really do be looking like this
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.