Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
You Might Also Like
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.