Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
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I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”