JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
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Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more