moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
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Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…