“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
all that yoga finally paid off
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
This is my emotional support knife.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
#milo
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
i baked you a cake
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.