I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
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Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead