Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
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“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.