[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
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1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis