if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
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[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?