eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
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ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.