“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
You Might Also Like
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”