Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
That’s it.I’m out.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit