A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
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It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.