Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
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dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.