The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.