“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
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I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…