Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
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Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael