Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
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Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
the three branches of government
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea