My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
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The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!