DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out