Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
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What my back needs
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
thank god
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Story of my life…..
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades