Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
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He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago