As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
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I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
March 16
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
No selfies while hijacking a train.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?