My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
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You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
it is time once again
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.