me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
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Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
“Wait, let me explain..”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”