Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
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Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
What a chick magnet..
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Netflix: We have Less
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.