Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
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Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
God has abandoned us.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺