babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
You Might Also Like
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.