Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
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I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
We decided to have money instead of children.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa