Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
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A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that